The Patriotic Earthling (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
orbitaldiamonds) wrote2009-08-08 03:13 am
orbitaldiamonds) wrote2009-08-08 03:13 am
Cricket Commentary Quotes
(Say that three times fast.)
With thanks of course to Fizzy who introduced me to cricket (I'd heard of it but confused it with croquet before) and it's wacky commentary.
I still don't know anything about the game--don't care either--I'm just in it for the funny.
Enjoy...
---
( source )
Playing football on a wet outfield before an Ashes Test is as nonsensical as a bride doing a full workout down the gym in her dress an hour before she's due in church.
---
Heehee. I cried three years ago after eating a partridge and biting into some lead shot. Has anyone ever cried for a more aristocratic reason?
---
"Have you never cooked for her folks before? You always end up taking far longer than expected, throwing things into the pot you didn't even know existed, and after plying the parents with booze because they're convinced you're making a hash of things, your mint pork hazelnut paprika red pepper stir fried casserole turns out to be absolutely delicious. To whit, Harmy will have a horrible first four days and then wrap it up with a five- for to win it on the final day."
Justin Williams in the TMS inbox
---
Some chat on the wireless about what Boycs might wear in bed. I reckon he wears jim-jams with little cartoon pictures of himself playing a cover-drive all over them.
---
"I can see Boycs wearing a plain night shirt and matching headwear and climbing into bed very slowly with absolute precision. When questioned about his manner of entering the bed, he would simply answer 'is good technique is that'."
Big Phil, Wrexham, in the TMS inbox
---
Clark continues after drinks, as I imagine what various England cricketers might wear in bed. Bell struggling to get into any kind of rhythm at the moment - Clark is Norris on the Spot and that's a maiden. Gatts, presumably, wears little more than a strategically-placed tea tray, while I imagine Bell opts for something in the Loony Toons range.
---
"A cover-drive?! Boycs' jim-jams would have nothing more aggressive than him blocking out a dot ball to protect his wicket. Even in his dreams he'd only play for the draw."
Marcus, Chelmsford, in the TMS inbox
---
"Ian Bell has never exactly filled me with confidence. Watching him bat is a bit like turning up for a flying lesson to find the instructor wearing cataract glasses."
Steven in the TMS inbox
---
Phil Hannant, TMS inbox: "It seems poetic justice that as England's batting order collapses, so does the BBC website."
---
"Once again I am left bamboozled and wide-eyed by the ability of the English Cricket Team to stride valiantly towards the 'beast of victory' before drawing the 'sword of ineptitude' and striking cleanly for the monsters beating heart! All hail Sir Collapse-a-lot."
Ahmed Zeidan in the TMS inbox
---
BBC Sport's Tom Fordyce on Twitter: "Just seen the lunchtime menu at Headingley: humble pie for England, Australia having their cake and eating it."
---
1335: For those of you wondering why the standards of this text commentary have collapsed like England middle's order, that's because Ben is eating his body weight in crisps to console himself after presiding over the morning session. Refresh your browser or batter the F5 key to Headingley to see my name magically appear at the top of the page. The players are back out, with new man Graeme Swann at the crease. PS - here's a picture of Ian Botham shaking hands with a gorilla.
---
"I'd have thought that the Simon and Garfunkel lyric on Strauss' mind is more likely to be: 'Hello darkness my old friend...I've come to talk with you again'."
---
The Aussies go absolutely ballistic, although Onions reacts as if he has been sold a dud Rolex on a popular internet auction site. Lo and behold, up goes the finger of Asad Rauf, although replays suggest the ball was nowhere near Onions' bat. Wonder if Lily Allen will Tweet about that.
---
Ian, Fleet, in the TMS inbox: "Surely the best offering from the S&G songbook is: "Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you". He may have held the bat a bit funny, and be dead, but he may well be an improvement."
---
Simon Franklin in the TMS inbox: "What a load of pony. In fact, that wasn't just pony, that was a herd of ponies, their teenage girl owners, their parents, their parents' Range Rovers, a field, some jumps, enough ribbon to circumnavigate the globe… the full gymkhana!"
---
Apologies for the slow updates, the hamster has been instructed to run faster around his wheel.
---
Simon, Leicester, in the TMS inbox: "I was going to eat up the miles in the gym this afternoon whilst watching England bat themselves into a good solid position (this is in aid of getting fit and trim for my upcoming nuptials). All of a sudden, I have lost the enthusiasm and as a result I will still appear chunky in my wedding photos. Thanks for ruining my life England."
---
You could hear a gnat break wind right now, it's that quiet in LS6.
---
The runs are flowing, unlike the beer taps at Headingley, which have all been switched off until after tea.
---
Neil Boston in the TMS inbox: "For Fat Simon in Leicester: You're getting married and you think ENGLAND are ruining your life. Word of advice, your wedding day photos will be your weight benchmark for the rest of the marriage: don't set the bar too high."
---
Stuart Johnson in the TMS inbox: "My boss Steve, who knows a lot more about cricket than most in our office, has closed his internet browser. I presume that means we have no chance?"
---
BBC Sport's Tom Fordyce on Twitter: "Reasons for England to be cheerful? Erm. Well, there's... nope... what about....probably not....surely the....hmmm. Anyone?"
---
Neil Boston in the TMS inbox: "Funny you should say that, Simon from Leicester, but I still blame Chris Waddle for missing his penalty in the footie World Cup for my chunky build. My wife says it's because I eat rubbish but you and I know better."
---
A distant diatribe of expletives are muttered as a toothless maiden from Onions finishes off a thoroughly anodyne bowling performance from England as Ricky Ponting and Shane Watson, who might as well book a few days in Scarborough on Monday and Tuesday judging by how comfortable they are right now. Punter is unbeaten on 39 while Shaaaaaane is 24 and counting.
---
1547: So with Australia trailing England's good-fer-nuthin' 102 by 43 runs, I hand you back to Ben for the remainder of the afternoon. Stick around, if you haven't smashed your computer screen or thrown your mobile phone against the 1558 from Coventry, it might get better...
---
1550: All right? Benjamin here again, manually refresh and my name will appear. Reasons to be cheerful? The juice of the carrot, the smile of the parrot, a little drop of claret, anything that rocks. Elvis and Scotty, days when I ain't spotty, sitting on the potty, curing smallpox?
---
"This is so much more entertaining than work. In fact I haven't laughed so much since one of my goldfishes died whilst having a poo."
Tim Meader, Kent, in the TMS inbox
---
1555: "Went for a quick nap at about 11.30am and appear to have woken up in 1981."
Simon, Horam, in the TMS inbox
---
Jeremy, London, TMS inbox: "Well at least we've stemmed the scoring for a bit… Oh, that was tea."
---
"Reasons to be Cheerful: Dirsy on the updates, making fun of my mates, Obama running the States, Fordyce's yellow hair. Looking like I'm working, when I'm really shirking, have another gherkin, Boycott trying not to swear."
Dinz in the TMS inbox
---
Andy, London, text 81111: "If only we had had Ronnie and Reggie batting at one and two this morning, who's gonna tell them they are out with a bit of Duncan Fearnley 4+2 in their hands? I had a goldfish called Trevor Brooking once, he jumped out of his bowl and my mother trod on him."
---
1629 - 100-1 This is a bit embarrassing now, England just aren't learning, they're just not learning... short from Anderson and Ponting steers him through point for four. Strauss is wearing the look of a vegetarian who thought, "oh, sweet breads sound nice", only to be told they are in fact lambs' pancreases.
---
"In your website poll that's just finished, 6% (of the 12,480 individuals that voted) think England will take eight or more wickets before close of play today. Could you please supply me with the email addresses of these halfwits, as I have a Nigerian colleague who would like to offer them a share of an exciting business venture? All they have to do is supply their bank account details."
Justin Bricknell in the TMS inbox
---
1637 - 115-1 The man opposite me just gestured rudely at the screen and blew a raspberry. It's that bad...
---
1640 - 117-1 Gina? Gina? Where are thou now, Gina? Many thanks Dimitris, I've always been a little bit sketchy where the plurals of gland organs is concerned. Better over from Broad, ploughing a corridor outside off.
---
"Re comment at 1629, you'll find that the plural of 'pancreas' is 'pancreata', weird as that may sound."
Dimitris Athineos, TMS inbox
---
1645 - 127-1 As bad days at the office go, this performance by England is the equivalent of strolling in four hours late, making a pass at the receptionist before accidentally headbutting the boss.
---
"My boss and one of my colleagues have abandoned me (with the rest of the team on holiday) to go and watch the match with brokers, leaving me to look after the department on my tod. Having followed progress throughout the day, the one word that keeps coming to mind when I think of this is 'schadenfreude'. Except they have free booze, so maybe not so much..."
Rich, Leeds, TMS inbox
---
1652 - WICKET - Watson lbw b Onions 51 (Aus 133-2) If England were a woman, I'd burst into the house this evening and shout "I'm leaving you, you cow!"
---
"Not sure what Dimitris (see below) is talking about. My dictionary (New Oxford Dictionary of English, 2nd edition revised, if you must know) only mentions pancreases as a plural. This is more interesting than the cricket, right?"
A Raccoon in the TMS inbox
---
"On a further pedantic note, sweetbreads, of course, aren't necessarily the 'pancreata'. They could also be the thymus gland. Doesn't help Strauss much, though."
Bill Faber, Italy, in the TMS inbox in the TMS inbox
---
"RE: Your comment @ 1652 'if England were a woman'. She'd then shout 'no, don't leave, please, I'm sorry, I will change!' followed by a short-lived attitude/behaviour adjustment."
Dal in Wolverhampton in the TMS inbox
---
"Might I respectfully remind you that if England were a woman, she wouldn't have batted so badly in the first place. The England women play a darned sight better than the men - just look at their Ashes record!"
Bridget, Wettingen CH, in the TMS inbox
---
1755 - 178-4 Touche, Bridget, touche. If England were a man and I were a woman, I'd probably have taken the scissors to his suits by now. Dismal. Anderson back in and that's short and wide and flogged through point by Clarke for four. Not at the races today, the Lancashire man, but that's better, first getting one to dip in late and then beating Clarke outside off. But there hasn't been anywhere near enough of that - no pressure building, it's like a boxer landing with a flurry before dropping his guard, sticking out his chin and allowing his opponent to hit him.
---
"Well said Bridget! My mate and I were talking about this moments ago. The women retain the Ashes for the THIRD time, are T20 and ODI world champions and do they ALL get Queen's honours? Do they get open-top bus parades? Don't get me wrong, I love men's cricket and would love to see our men doing well but their female counterparts deserve a lot more hype than they do at the moment. Maybe the men need to employ some of the women's backroom staff?"
Ruth, Shropshire, TMS inbox
---
"For Dal in Wolverhampton - might I, in the manner of Barbara from Wettingen, respectfully remind you that one day you might just walk in, say 'I'm leaving you, you cow' and she'll say 'fine, there's the door'. Which means you'll soon realise that the laundry can't climb into the washing machine on its own, trousers aren't self ironing and shirts don't come with self-stitching buttons. Suddenly, life will take a turn for the worse... just like it has for the gentlemen's team as demonstrated here. Barbara - here, here!"
Helen from Birmingham in the TMS inbox
---
"PS. I meant Bridget, not Barbara, sorry! That's what comes when you try to type one-handed whilst trying to stir chilli con carne, read a German literature book and listen to the boyfriend's lowdown of how he and his mates beat the chaps from Personnel at Office Cricket."
Helen in the TMS inbox
---
From hititforsix on 606: "I was so depressed I had to turn over to watch Come Dine With Me on Channel 4. The souffle looked delicious.
---
Well, I'm not particularly tired, but I have to call Nancy in eight hours to find out if I'm working, and if I am working, I need to be rested. *sigh* I wish she'd just let me work 4-8 every day instead of all these day shifts.
On the other hand, I'm glad to be employed at all.
---
With thanks of course to Fizzy who introduced me to cricket (I'd heard of it but confused it with croquet before) and it's wacky commentary.
I still don't know anything about the game--don't care either--I'm just in it for the funny.
Enjoy...
---
( source )
Playing football on a wet outfield before an Ashes Test is as nonsensical as a bride doing a full workout down the gym in her dress an hour before she's due in church.
---
Heehee. I cried three years ago after eating a partridge and biting into some lead shot. Has anyone ever cried for a more aristocratic reason?
---
"Have you never cooked for her folks before? You always end up taking far longer than expected, throwing things into the pot you didn't even know existed, and after plying the parents with booze because they're convinced you're making a hash of things, your mint pork hazelnut paprika red pepper stir fried casserole turns out to be absolutely delicious. To whit, Harmy will have a horrible first four days and then wrap it up with a five- for to win it on the final day."
Justin Williams in the TMS inbox
---
Some chat on the wireless about what Boycs might wear in bed. I reckon he wears jim-jams with little cartoon pictures of himself playing a cover-drive all over them.
---
"I can see Boycs wearing a plain night shirt and matching headwear and climbing into bed very slowly with absolute precision. When questioned about his manner of entering the bed, he would simply answer 'is good technique is that'."
Big Phil, Wrexham, in the TMS inbox
---
Clark continues after drinks, as I imagine what various England cricketers might wear in bed. Bell struggling to get into any kind of rhythm at the moment - Clark is Norris on the Spot and that's a maiden. Gatts, presumably, wears little more than a strategically-placed tea tray, while I imagine Bell opts for something in the Loony Toons range.
---
"A cover-drive?! Boycs' jim-jams would have nothing more aggressive than him blocking out a dot ball to protect his wicket. Even in his dreams he'd only play for the draw."
Marcus, Chelmsford, in the TMS inbox
---
"Ian Bell has never exactly filled me with confidence. Watching him bat is a bit like turning up for a flying lesson to find the instructor wearing cataract glasses."
Steven in the TMS inbox
---
Phil Hannant, TMS inbox: "It seems poetic justice that as England's batting order collapses, so does the BBC website."
---
"Once again I am left bamboozled and wide-eyed by the ability of the English Cricket Team to stride valiantly towards the 'beast of victory' before drawing the 'sword of ineptitude' and striking cleanly for the monsters beating heart! All hail Sir Collapse-a-lot."
Ahmed Zeidan in the TMS inbox
---
BBC Sport's Tom Fordyce on Twitter: "Just seen the lunchtime menu at Headingley: humble pie for England, Australia having their cake and eating it."
---
1335: For those of you wondering why the standards of this text commentary have collapsed like England middle's order, that's because Ben is eating his body weight in crisps to console himself after presiding over the morning session. Refresh your browser or batter the F5 key to Headingley to see my name magically appear at the top of the page. The players are back out, with new man Graeme Swann at the crease. PS - here's a picture of Ian Botham shaking hands with a gorilla.
---
"I'd have thought that the Simon and Garfunkel lyric on Strauss' mind is more likely to be: 'Hello darkness my old friend...I've come to talk with you again'."
---
The Aussies go absolutely ballistic, although Onions reacts as if he has been sold a dud Rolex on a popular internet auction site. Lo and behold, up goes the finger of Asad Rauf, although replays suggest the ball was nowhere near Onions' bat. Wonder if Lily Allen will Tweet about that.
---
Ian, Fleet, in the TMS inbox: "Surely the best offering from the S&G songbook is: "Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you". He may have held the bat a bit funny, and be dead, but he may well be an improvement."
---
Simon Franklin in the TMS inbox: "What a load of pony. In fact, that wasn't just pony, that was a herd of ponies, their teenage girl owners, their parents, their parents' Range Rovers, a field, some jumps, enough ribbon to circumnavigate the globe… the full gymkhana!"
---
Apologies for the slow updates, the hamster has been instructed to run faster around his wheel.
---
Simon, Leicester, in the TMS inbox: "I was going to eat up the miles in the gym this afternoon whilst watching England bat themselves into a good solid position (this is in aid of getting fit and trim for my upcoming nuptials). All of a sudden, I have lost the enthusiasm and as a result I will still appear chunky in my wedding photos. Thanks for ruining my life England."
---
You could hear a gnat break wind right now, it's that quiet in LS6.
---
The runs are flowing, unlike the beer taps at Headingley, which have all been switched off until after tea.
---
Neil Boston in the TMS inbox: "For Fat Simon in Leicester: You're getting married and you think ENGLAND are ruining your life. Word of advice, your wedding day photos will be your weight benchmark for the rest of the marriage: don't set the bar too high."
---
Stuart Johnson in the TMS inbox: "My boss Steve, who knows a lot more about cricket than most in our office, has closed his internet browser. I presume that means we have no chance?"
---
BBC Sport's Tom Fordyce on Twitter: "Reasons for England to be cheerful? Erm. Well, there's... nope... what about....probably not....surely the....hmmm. Anyone?"
---
Neil Boston in the TMS inbox: "Funny you should say that, Simon from Leicester, but I still blame Chris Waddle for missing his penalty in the footie World Cup for my chunky build. My wife says it's because I eat rubbish but you and I know better."
---
A distant diatribe of expletives are muttered as a toothless maiden from Onions finishes off a thoroughly anodyne bowling performance from England as Ricky Ponting and Shane Watson, who might as well book a few days in Scarborough on Monday and Tuesday judging by how comfortable they are right now. Punter is unbeaten on 39 while Shaaaaaane is 24 and counting.
---
1547: So with Australia trailing England's good-fer-nuthin' 102 by 43 runs, I hand you back to Ben for the remainder of the afternoon. Stick around, if you haven't smashed your computer screen or thrown your mobile phone against the 1558 from Coventry, it might get better...
---
1550: All right? Benjamin here again, manually refresh and my name will appear. Reasons to be cheerful? The juice of the carrot, the smile of the parrot, a little drop of claret, anything that rocks. Elvis and Scotty, days when I ain't spotty, sitting on the potty, curing smallpox?
---
"This is so much more entertaining than work. In fact I haven't laughed so much since one of my goldfishes died whilst having a poo."
Tim Meader, Kent, in the TMS inbox
---
1555: "Went for a quick nap at about 11.30am and appear to have woken up in 1981."
Simon, Horam, in the TMS inbox
---
Jeremy, London, TMS inbox: "Well at least we've stemmed the scoring for a bit… Oh, that was tea."
---
"Reasons to be Cheerful: Dirsy on the updates, making fun of my mates, Obama running the States, Fordyce's yellow hair. Looking like I'm working, when I'm really shirking, have another gherkin, Boycott trying not to swear."
Dinz in the TMS inbox
---
Andy, London, text 81111: "If only we had had Ronnie and Reggie batting at one and two this morning, who's gonna tell them they are out with a bit of Duncan Fearnley 4+2 in their hands? I had a goldfish called Trevor Brooking once, he jumped out of his bowl and my mother trod on him."
---
1629 - 100-1 This is a bit embarrassing now, England just aren't learning, they're just not learning... short from Anderson and Ponting steers him through point for four. Strauss is wearing the look of a vegetarian who thought, "oh, sweet breads sound nice", only to be told they are in fact lambs' pancreases.
---
"In your website poll that's just finished, 6% (of the 12,480 individuals that voted) think England will take eight or more wickets before close of play today. Could you please supply me with the email addresses of these halfwits, as I have a Nigerian colleague who would like to offer them a share of an exciting business venture? All they have to do is supply their bank account details."
Justin Bricknell in the TMS inbox
---
1637 - 115-1 The man opposite me just gestured rudely at the screen and blew a raspberry. It's that bad...
---
1640 - 117-1 Gina? Gina? Where are thou now, Gina? Many thanks Dimitris, I've always been a little bit sketchy where the plurals of gland organs is concerned. Better over from Broad, ploughing a corridor outside off.
---
"Re comment at 1629, you'll find that the plural of 'pancreas' is 'pancreata', weird as that may sound."
Dimitris Athineos, TMS inbox
---
1645 - 127-1 As bad days at the office go, this performance by England is the equivalent of strolling in four hours late, making a pass at the receptionist before accidentally headbutting the boss.
---
"My boss and one of my colleagues have abandoned me (with the rest of the team on holiday) to go and watch the match with brokers, leaving me to look after the department on my tod. Having followed progress throughout the day, the one word that keeps coming to mind when I think of this is 'schadenfreude'. Except they have free booze, so maybe not so much..."
Rich, Leeds, TMS inbox
---
1652 - WICKET - Watson lbw b Onions 51 (Aus 133-2) If England were a woman, I'd burst into the house this evening and shout "I'm leaving you, you cow!"
---
"Not sure what Dimitris (see below) is talking about. My dictionary (New Oxford Dictionary of English, 2nd edition revised, if you must know) only mentions pancreases as a plural. This is more interesting than the cricket, right?"
A Raccoon in the TMS inbox
---
"On a further pedantic note, sweetbreads, of course, aren't necessarily the 'pancreata'. They could also be the thymus gland. Doesn't help Strauss much, though."
Bill Faber, Italy, in the TMS inbox in the TMS inbox
---
"RE: Your comment @ 1652 'if England were a woman'. She'd then shout 'no, don't leave, please, I'm sorry, I will change!' followed by a short-lived attitude/behaviour adjustment."
Dal in Wolverhampton in the TMS inbox
---
"Might I respectfully remind you that if England were a woman, she wouldn't have batted so badly in the first place. The England women play a darned sight better than the men - just look at their Ashes record!"
Bridget, Wettingen CH, in the TMS inbox
---
1755 - 178-4 Touche, Bridget, touche. If England were a man and I were a woman, I'd probably have taken the scissors to his suits by now. Dismal. Anderson back in and that's short and wide and flogged through point by Clarke for four. Not at the races today, the Lancashire man, but that's better, first getting one to dip in late and then beating Clarke outside off. But there hasn't been anywhere near enough of that - no pressure building, it's like a boxer landing with a flurry before dropping his guard, sticking out his chin and allowing his opponent to hit him.
---
"Well said Bridget! My mate and I were talking about this moments ago. The women retain the Ashes for the THIRD time, are T20 and ODI world champions and do they ALL get Queen's honours? Do they get open-top bus parades? Don't get me wrong, I love men's cricket and would love to see our men doing well but their female counterparts deserve a lot more hype than they do at the moment. Maybe the men need to employ some of the women's backroom staff?"
Ruth, Shropshire, TMS inbox
---
"For Dal in Wolverhampton - might I, in the manner of Barbara from Wettingen, respectfully remind you that one day you might just walk in, say 'I'm leaving you, you cow' and she'll say 'fine, there's the door'. Which means you'll soon realise that the laundry can't climb into the washing machine on its own, trousers aren't self ironing and shirts don't come with self-stitching buttons. Suddenly, life will take a turn for the worse... just like it has for the gentlemen's team as demonstrated here. Barbara - here, here!"
Helen from Birmingham in the TMS inbox
---
"PS. I meant Bridget, not Barbara, sorry! That's what comes when you try to type one-handed whilst trying to stir chilli con carne, read a German literature book and listen to the boyfriend's lowdown of how he and his mates beat the chaps from Personnel at Office Cricket."
Helen in the TMS inbox
---
From hititforsix on 606: "I was so depressed I had to turn over to watch Come Dine With Me on Channel 4. The souffle looked delicious.
---
Well, I'm not particularly tired, but I have to call Nancy in eight hours to find out if I'm working, and if I am working, I need to be rested. *sigh* I wish she'd just let me work 4-8 every day instead of all these day shifts.
On the other hand, I'm glad to be employed at all.
---